Where Are You Christmas?

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Time spent surrounded by family and friends; fun, food, laughter and games; gift exchanges and getting to see the joy and excitement on my nieces and nephews faces as they play with their presents. But my favorite part of the holiday was always the Christmas eve service where I could go to celebrate my faith through the stories being shared by my dad (for those who do not know, he is a retired United Methodist minister) and rejoice in the singing of the carols. Getting to hear a soloist sing "O Holy Night" and then closing the service with a candlelight singing of "Silent Night" deeply moved my soul.

However, Christmas is changing for me this year. I am physically unable to get out of my home right now. I was able to watch my church's Christmas eve service live online. I sang along, voice cracking, tears streaming down my face, with my kitty Kiki on my lap, missing the sense of human connection. Some hymns were too hard to sing at all because I couldn't catch my breath. It was a very lonely feeling. And I thought, "Where Are You Christmas?"

Tomorrow, many members of my family will be gathering at my brother Ben's house for Christmas day. They will unwrap presents and share a good home cooked holiday meal together. My parents will be making the trip in from their assisted living facility half an hour away to be a part of the celebration. I do not get to see them often as it is difficult for my mom to get around now. Some of my siblings will be coming from out of town, as will my oldest niece and nephew with their significant others. Once again, those feelings of loneliness, sadness, isolation, and even some anger creep in. I'm going to be home alone on most of Christmas day. I am already feeling very left out and forgotten. I will have a caregiver here with me to help prepare a meal and although I am grateful for that, I am trying to prepare myself for the emotional toll this very different Christmas is going to have on me. Ten years ago, I never imagined our Christmas's were going to be this way. I'm not prepared for aging parents, poor health in myself and my brother Matt, changing relationships and changing family dynamics.

So, now tonight, on Christmas eve, it is 52 degrees with a dense fog advisory until 11:00 a.m. Christmas morning. It does not look like Christmas. With everything going on in our world, it does not feel like Christmas. I am lonely and afraid, and I am asking, where are you, Christmas on this most holy night?

Transitions

My family is in a state of transition right now. Tomorrow, my parents move into their assisted living facility. Not only are they moving out of their home, but they are also moving about 30 minutes outside of town. My sister and I have been encouraging them to look into assisted living for over a year now. And my mom has also recognized the need for this move for a while. My mom has balance issues, as well as neuropathy in her feet, which leads to falls. At this time, my mom seems to average one fall every two weeks. She has been fortunate in that she hasn't experienced too many serious injuries, but my dad is no longer able to help get her up off of the floor. In addition, my dad is beginning to experience some difficulty with his right knee giving out on him and is just generally fatigued overall. My dad also deals with some decreased memory issues. The move to assisted living will be helpful to my dad as he has been having to provide more care and assistance to mom over the last year.

My parents went to look at a facility at the beginning of June and an opening at that facility became available, so they went ahead and proceeded with arranging to obtain that apartment. This is all happening so fast. Now, my parents find themselves moving from a three-bedroom house into a one-bedroom apartment that basically consists of a bedroom, a bathroom, and a living room area. They do not even have a full kitchen in their new unit, only a small kitchenette without a stove. It has hit me that there will no longer be holiday dinners at mom and dad's house, with the smells of turkey and ham roasting in the oven. Of homemade macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes. There will no longer be room for me and my siblings to gather around a Christmas tree, opening presents on Christmas morning while monkey bread bubbles over in the oven. There won't be a table big enough to gather around for a game of Uno or Phase Ten. I know there is a room there at Wesley Manor where we could gather if we reserved it, but it won't be the same. 

As my parents have been frantically preparing for their move they have been trying to sort through their belongings as they pack them. I can relate to the struggles with trying to decide what to take to the new place, what to donate, what to try to sell, and what to give to friends and family as I just moved into my current apartment back in December. I, too, was downsizing, and found that one, I had more stuff than I thought I had, and two, I had less space at my new place than I thought I was going to for the stuff that I brought over. I still have about a half dozen boxes yet to be unpacked and I have had to get rid of more stuff after I moved in because I simply did not have room for it all. My parents have been choosing items to offer to us kids and the grandkids as well as they go through this process. My dad brought over a counted cross stitch that I was particularly fond of and on Monday morning my home health aide helped to hang it up on the wall for me. It looks great hanging there. But I found myself tearing up right away. When she asked me what was wrong, I replied "It's beautiful, but it makes me sad. This is not supposed to be hanging on my wall. It's supposed to be hanging on mom and dad's wall, in mom and dad's house. Now, there is no longer mom and dad's 'house'." And I found myself choking back tears and biting down on the corner of my trembling lips. It's not the same. And even though I've been talking about moving into assisted living with my parents for over a year now, I'm not ready for them to go now that the time has come. 

I have been unable to go over to my mom and dad's house for several months now due to my own physical limitations and health issues. However, I'm used to seeing my dad a couple of times a week at my place. Now that they are going to be thirty minutes away, that is going to change. Dad will no longer be able to just "drop by". And I'm going to miss that. Terribly. I'm afraid that I'm not going to see my parents anymore. And I'm hurting.  I feel guilty for hurting because I know that they are looking forward to this next phase of their life. I know that it will offer more opportunities for my mom to socialize as she will be able to get out of her apartment and use her electric scooter to get to and from activities. There are so many things about this move that are going to be positive and beneficial for my parents, and I want to be happy for them without feeling this huge sense of loss inside me. I'm so grateful that my parents were able to make this decision to move into assisted living themselves, as opposed to finding my siblings and I in a position of having to place them in a care facility at a later date. This is definitely going to be an adjustment for all of us, my parents included. I have to remember that things are going to be different for them as well. I typically resist change, but this is happening tomorrow whether I like it or not. I am going to miss having them so nearby.