So, here I am. Sitting in front of the computer at 2:59 a.m. I say that so you will know when I actually wrote this entry because blog spot never publishes an accurate time. Maybe it's the time zone setting? I don't know. And I do not care to know.
It's been several weeks since my last posting. Since I had already written about my recent struggles with depression, I thought I'd wait until I was feeling peppy again. Well, I'm still waiting for that peppiness to return and I figure that if I sit around waiting to feel better before writing something new, I may never write again.
Those closest to me know that the past 12 months have been very difficult for me, especially with regards to my physical well-being. I've been to the ER 13 times, had a 4 day medical stay, a hysterectomy, gallbladder removed, hand surgery to repair a damaged blood vessel and remove a clot, and an ankle fusion and tibial bone graft. I have had x-rays, CT scans (with and without IV contrast dye), MRI's, ultrasounds, upper GI scopes, a colonoscopy, a biopsy...yeah, I think that covers most of it. And lots and lots of blood work. I don't know how they expect my blood count to stay where it is supposed to be when they keep taking tube after tube after tube of blood. After each "situation" seems to be resolved and I feel like I'm getting back up on my feet, I get leveled by another earthquake, followed by sometimes more severe aftershocks. Each time, I have crawled out of the rubble, brushed myself off, and started moving forward again. But life keeps throwing punches my way. I have also dealt with some significant family relationship stress, attended the funeral of a friend's 21 year old son, and been notified that my prescription drug benefits are being cut effective November 1. And that is what has happened in the last 10 days. I started the appeal process for my health benefits and my appeal was denied. I spent 3 hours yesterday morning at the Social Security office and the Medicaid office. I then spent 1 1/2 more hours on the phone in the afternoon trying to get answers. Well, no one has them. I don't know how many times my calls were transferred. Each person said the issue was not with their agency or department and when I called who they told me to call, I got the same answer. I have had to fight for my benefits for 2010 and 2011. Each time, it took approximately 5 months to resolve the issue and constant phone calls and trips to meet with someone, anyone, in person. Well, I do not have the energy to go through that process again. Not right now. I am physically exhausted. I am mentally exhausted. I am emotionally exhausted. And I do not feel God's hands holding my heart.
Some of my medical issues are greatly exasperated by stress. I have medications to treat the symptoms but the problem will not be resolved until my stress level is under control. I have been praying, reading daily devotionals and meditations, and praying, and talking to friends, and praying, and going for walks, and praying, and taking bubble baths, and praying, and petting my kitties, and praying, and watching funny movies, and praying, and making a list of what I am grateful for and listing my blessings each day, and praying.....and I am barely hanging on. I have forgotten when the last night I got some sleep was. I haven't been able to keep food down again since Tuesday evening. I lost track of the days and so my bills got paid late for the first time in a year. I don't even remember when I last fed my cats. They were meowing rather loudly so I ventured into the kitchen to find their food bowl empty and water bowls dry. I feed them twice a day. And as I stood there, I could not recall if I had fed them that morning or if they have been without for a day or more. I'm putting part of that on them however (perhaps as a way of trying to alleviate guilt) because their food bag is sitting on the kitchen floor, open, and they haven't helped themselves. Every other cat I've ever had has always gotten into the food or chewed holes in the bag if it's been left out, even if their bowls were full. So I'm trying to decide if my cats are stupid or lazy. Either way, it doesn't matter. I'm not being a very good kitty momma.
I know that I can count on my friends for support and guidance. But at least for me, right now, I am not comforted by their words. Acceptance. Letting go. Doing the next right thing. Pray more. This too shall pass. And God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I do know that what I'm going through won't last forever. Nothing does. I know that there are many others facing some of these same struggles and then some. I'm not proclaiming that I have the worst life out of anyone on the planet. And I don't expect life to be rainbows and butterflies all of the time. But knowing that doesn't take the heartache away. A little bit ago I was sitting out on the patio looking up at the stars. Tonight, the sky is clear. I must not be looking far enough or hard enough because I still can't see God. And I don't feel him. And I am afraid. This is more than I can handle. There is no more "oomph" inside me. Since I'm not able to move forward, I'm just trying to hang on tight enough that I don't fall behind.
And I keep praying, even if I don't think God can hear me.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Name That Tune # 2
My iPod is definitely getting a workout since I decided to cancel my cable service over a month ago! I just snap it onto the iPod dock on my stereo and let it shuffle through my favorites. The song striking my fancy the past couple of days? Here's the lyric:
"You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird."
I must admit that I've been feeling a lot like an "empty cage" lately. I have been spending way too much time bouncing back and forth in my mind, looking for the answers to any number of problems that I am facing today. If I could just think hard enough and long enough, I am sure that I would be able to figure out why my GI system is not cooperating. I could figure out why there seems to be a little "snafu" with regards to my ankle healing after surgery, especially since from an orthopedic standpoint, I was doing better than expected. I could figure out why I am having difficulty with some of my interpersonal relationships. I think I should be able to figure out why, why, why. I mean, why not?
Why not? Because I am looking in the wrong place for answers. I could spend the rest of my life driving myself crazy with thinking and more thinking. I keep forgetting that I will get exactly what I need from God, if I allow Him to be in charge of my life. I wish that I could say that I am very dedicated to regular prayer and meditation. I'm not. I get busy with my day, the time flies by, and I'm too tired at night. What? Those aren't good excuses? No, they are not. I am finding that I need to make a more conscientious effort to incorporate prayer into my daily routine. A couple of things I have learned are that I can engage in prayer any time of the day, anywhere I am. And I have learned that time spent in prayer and quiet reflection (where I am listening to God, rather than talking at God) leaves me with a sense of inner peace and calm. I do not really need to have all of the answers. I just want them sometimes. If I keep spinning my wheels over things that I have no control over, I end up feeling very empty and alone. If I want my cage to be full of life, I need to allow God's spirit and the love of those around me to feed my bird...
The song? "Crucify" - Tori Amos, album "These Little Earthquakes"
"You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird."
I must admit that I've been feeling a lot like an "empty cage" lately. I have been spending way too much time bouncing back and forth in my mind, looking for the answers to any number of problems that I am facing today. If I could just think hard enough and long enough, I am sure that I would be able to figure out why my GI system is not cooperating. I could figure out why there seems to be a little "snafu" with regards to my ankle healing after surgery, especially since from an orthopedic standpoint, I was doing better than expected. I could figure out why I am having difficulty with some of my interpersonal relationships. I think I should be able to figure out why, why, why. I mean, why not?
Why not? Because I am looking in the wrong place for answers. I could spend the rest of my life driving myself crazy with thinking and more thinking. I keep forgetting that I will get exactly what I need from God, if I allow Him to be in charge of my life. I wish that I could say that I am very dedicated to regular prayer and meditation. I'm not. I get busy with my day, the time flies by, and I'm too tired at night. What? Those aren't good excuses? No, they are not. I am finding that I need to make a more conscientious effort to incorporate prayer into my daily routine. A couple of things I have learned are that I can engage in prayer any time of the day, anywhere I am. And I have learned that time spent in prayer and quiet reflection (where I am listening to God, rather than talking at God) leaves me with a sense of inner peace and calm. I do not really need to have all of the answers. I just want them sometimes. If I keep spinning my wheels over things that I have no control over, I end up feeling very empty and alone. If I want my cage to be full of life, I need to allow God's spirit and the love of those around me to feed my bird...
The song? "Crucify" - Tori Amos, album "These Little Earthquakes"
Monday, September 12, 2011
Darker Days
It's been a little while since I've posted something new. I have been going back and forth in my mind whether or not to post an entry reflecting the "darker" side of me. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to go ahead and publish an entry, even though it is not the type of posting that I have been doing thus far.
As many of my close friends and family know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 1998. Over the past 13 years, it has been a struggle to find the right combination of medications to keep me "stable". Most of the time, I have found that many different combinations of mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and anti-psychotic medications would work for about a year or so and then stop working for me and my symptoms return. That has been one of the most frustrating things about my experiences with treatment. I have been fortunate to have spent the last two and a half years on the same medications without needing any adjustments, and have been the most stable that I've probably ever been since being diagnosed. I've had a couple of short lived manic episodes during that time, but didn't suffer too many negative consequences, definitely nothing compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
However, I am now in the midst of a period of pretty significant depression that has been gaining momentum for about six weeks now. I was hoping that perhaps it was due to my having to deal with many serious health issues over the past year. I was hoping that now that I have been able to get out of the house and walk again after my ankle fusion surgery back in June, I would feel better again. But my mood is not lifting. Once again I am facing day after day not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to eat, not wanting to be around people, crying often, and other symptoms too numerous to mention. I do not like feeling this way and I am frustrated that I will have to continue to deal with managing my bipolar disorder throughout the rest of my life. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and she decided to do a little "tweaking" of my medications to see if this can be resolved. I hope that it does lift soon. Depression is not only mentally and emotionally draining, it is physically draining as well. There are times when it feels like it takes 72 hours to move from Monday to Tuesday and time just drags on and on.
The good thing is that I have learned to identify changes in my moods which lead me to manic or depressive episodes. I have learned from experience that I can ride through the darkest of days and make it through to the other side. Going to a bipolar support group and having a few close friends who also have this disorder has been a tremendous help to me. I have finally realized that there is always hope as long as I continue to do the next right thing, see my psychiatrist, my therapist, and strictly follow my medication regimen. Today, I am grateful that my depression is not leaving me feeling hopeless and helpless or even suicidal. That is progress. It was not too many years ago where I wouldn't have been able to say this or believed that things would improve. I try to remember that it is always darkest before the dawn. And I have learned that it is OK to share when I'm struggling. No one's life is always good or always bad. If I only share when I'm doing well, I am not being true to myself and I am cutting off friends and family who are there to support me. So, I will continue to hang on, trudging through the "muck" and allowing others to help me through. I no longer feel that this is something that I have to face alone.
As many of my close friends and family know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 1998. Over the past 13 years, it has been a struggle to find the right combination of medications to keep me "stable". Most of the time, I have found that many different combinations of mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and anti-psychotic medications would work for about a year or so and then stop working for me and my symptoms return. That has been one of the most frustrating things about my experiences with treatment. I have been fortunate to have spent the last two and a half years on the same medications without needing any adjustments, and have been the most stable that I've probably ever been since being diagnosed. I've had a couple of short lived manic episodes during that time, but didn't suffer too many negative consequences, definitely nothing compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
However, I am now in the midst of a period of pretty significant depression that has been gaining momentum for about six weeks now. I was hoping that perhaps it was due to my having to deal with many serious health issues over the past year. I was hoping that now that I have been able to get out of the house and walk again after my ankle fusion surgery back in June, I would feel better again. But my mood is not lifting. Once again I am facing day after day not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to eat, not wanting to be around people, crying often, and other symptoms too numerous to mention. I do not like feeling this way and I am frustrated that I will have to continue to deal with managing my bipolar disorder throughout the rest of my life. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and she decided to do a little "tweaking" of my medications to see if this can be resolved. I hope that it does lift soon. Depression is not only mentally and emotionally draining, it is physically draining as well. There are times when it feels like it takes 72 hours to move from Monday to Tuesday and time just drags on and on.
The good thing is that I have learned to identify changes in my moods which lead me to manic or depressive episodes. I have learned from experience that I can ride through the darkest of days and make it through to the other side. Going to a bipolar support group and having a few close friends who also have this disorder has been a tremendous help to me. I have finally realized that there is always hope as long as I continue to do the next right thing, see my psychiatrist, my therapist, and strictly follow my medication regimen. Today, I am grateful that my depression is not leaving me feeling hopeless and helpless or even suicidal. That is progress. It was not too many years ago where I wouldn't have been able to say this or believed that things would improve. I try to remember that it is always darkest before the dawn. And I have learned that it is OK to share when I'm struggling. No one's life is always good or always bad. If I only share when I'm doing well, I am not being true to myself and I am cutting off friends and family who are there to support me. So, I will continue to hang on, trudging through the "muck" and allowing others to help me through. I no longer feel that this is something that I have to face alone.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
It Pays to Follow Directions
I'm not always very good at following directions. It's not because I can't read them. It's not because I can't understand them. It's because I think that I already know what they are going to say and that I probably don't need to even bother looking at them or listening to them because I'm intelligent, and therefore I'm surely capable of figuring things out by myself! Over the past 20 years, I have assembled at least a dozen bookcases, shelving units, a couple of entertainment centers, a stereo stand, and a computer desk or two. You know the kind made of some sort of particle board painted to look like something much fancier and more expensive than it really is. I've found that they are all pretty much the same. So when I bought a cabinet with doors to serve as my pantry in my apartment several months ago, I figured it would be a piece of cake and that I'd have the thing assembled in about an hour and a half. I started screwing the shelves in after attaching the top of the cabinet. I then attached the bottom shelf, flipped the thing over, and tacked on the flimsy cardboard backing which miraculously holds the whole unit together. Then came the time to put on the doors. I had the hinges. I had the right screws. But I couldn't seem to make them fit. Somehow, the holes were not where they were supposed to be. I kept trying to make it work out. I tried for half an hour, growing more and more frustrated and shouting expletives at the top of my lungs. So, after reaching my boiling point, I pulled out the instructions only to discover that I had managed to screw the left side of the unit where the right side should have been. They looked the same to me. On closer observation, I discovered that the left and right sides were the same, except for where the holes for the hinges on the doors were located. I had reversed them. The only way to make it work would be to disassemble the entire unit, which I couldn't do even if I wanted to since I had already tacked on the back. I thought about having my dad drill new holes on the sides so that I could make the hinges work. Wasn't going to happen because with the shelves already in place, the drill could not reach where the new holes needed to be drilled. So...my pantry has no doors. It looks just like a bookshelf. But it cost more than a bookshelf would have. I could have saved myself some time and money by going the cheaper route and just buying a bookshelf. Crap!
I think I have learned my lesson. At least for now. I recently had surgery to fuse my right ankle on June 21, 2011. This was a "follow-up" surgery to having a titanium plate and steel screws put into my right foot and ankle after shattering my heel in an automobile accident in May 1997. After this most recent surgery, I was in a cast. I was instructed to put no weight on my foot whatsoever and to keep my right foot elevated up above the level of my heart, 23 hours a day, for 6 whole weeks! After the first week or so I had had it. It took everything I had in me to strictly adhere to these directions. By the end of the 6 weeks, my x-rays showed that I was ahead of schedule in the healing process and so I got to bypass phase two, which would have been a walking cast and partial weight bearing, and move on to the "boot" and putting my full weight on my foot as tolerated. I was thrilled because this meant that I could take the boot off and shave my leg again. I could bathe it and put lotion on it. I could take it off to wiggle my ankle and my toes several times a day. But, I still had to sleep in that thing. And I was not to even think about trying to walk on that foot without the boot. I tried to sleep in my bed a couple of times but it wasn't working out as I had to lift my entire leg in the air in order to roll over and because my ankle was fixed at a ninety degree angle, I couldn't comfortably sleep on my side or my stomach. I have never been able to sleep on my back. So, it was back to sleeping in the recliner for 4 more weeks. As tempting as it was for me to "cheat" and take the boot off at night to sleep, I didn't do it. I continued to follow the doctor's directions.
Today was my 10 week post surgical checkup. This time, the x-rays showed that the ankle was completely healed and there were no indications of any adhesions or scar tissue. When the doctor moved my ankle around, it had a little more movement than he expected. And there was no pain when he stretched it, bent it, poked it...Great news! No more boot for me! My surgery was a great success and I am now able to wear shoes again, even flip flops! I can go barefoot in the house and on the grass. I can step into and out of the shower. I can sit in a chair without propping my leg up on a stack of 4 pillows. I get to sleep in my own bed tonight! What was anticipated to be a 3 to 4 month recovery period turned out to be a 10 week recovery. And it was in large part due to the fact that I carefully followed all of the doctor's directions to the letter, day in and day out, no matter how badly I wanted to cheat a little. After all, I have a Master's degree in Occupational Therapy so I do know a little something about orthopedic surgery, recovery, pain management, the use of assistive devices for walking and bathing and toileting. Thank God I didn't assume that what I knew would be enough to get me through the healing process without following the doctor's directions! There is a young teenage girl who had the exact same surgery that I had, on the same day. I would see her at his office every 3 weeks for follow-up visits. She had not followed the directions. Because it didn't hurt "too much", she assumed that it would be OK to go ahead and put some weight on her foot, as long as she was still using the crutches. Her ankle was not healing at all like it should be. She is facing the possibility of having to have the surgery redone and starting the whole process all over again. All because she didn't follow the directions.
Perhaps I have learned something after all. Perhaps because my latest attempt at doing something without looking at the directions had failed, I have become more willing to look and listen to the instructions provided by those who know a little more about assembling a pantry properly or allowing the body to heal after a major surgery. I am so grateful that I followed the directions this time, even though I didn't want to, because it has paid off in the end. Now, I can enjoy what's left of summer, strolling around in my favorite Sketchers flip flops and painting my toenails. I think I'm going to buy a new toe ring to celebrate!
I think I have learned my lesson. At least for now. I recently had surgery to fuse my right ankle on June 21, 2011. This was a "follow-up" surgery to having a titanium plate and steel screws put into my right foot and ankle after shattering my heel in an automobile accident in May 1997. After this most recent surgery, I was in a cast. I was instructed to put no weight on my foot whatsoever and to keep my right foot elevated up above the level of my heart, 23 hours a day, for 6 whole weeks! After the first week or so I had had it. It took everything I had in me to strictly adhere to these directions. By the end of the 6 weeks, my x-rays showed that I was ahead of schedule in the healing process and so I got to bypass phase two, which would have been a walking cast and partial weight bearing, and move on to the "boot" and putting my full weight on my foot as tolerated. I was thrilled because this meant that I could take the boot off and shave my leg again. I could bathe it and put lotion on it. I could take it off to wiggle my ankle and my toes several times a day. But, I still had to sleep in that thing. And I was not to even think about trying to walk on that foot without the boot. I tried to sleep in my bed a couple of times but it wasn't working out as I had to lift my entire leg in the air in order to roll over and because my ankle was fixed at a ninety degree angle, I couldn't comfortably sleep on my side or my stomach. I have never been able to sleep on my back. So, it was back to sleeping in the recliner for 4 more weeks. As tempting as it was for me to "cheat" and take the boot off at night to sleep, I didn't do it. I continued to follow the doctor's directions.
Today was my 10 week post surgical checkup. This time, the x-rays showed that the ankle was completely healed and there were no indications of any adhesions or scar tissue. When the doctor moved my ankle around, it had a little more movement than he expected. And there was no pain when he stretched it, bent it, poked it...Great news! No more boot for me! My surgery was a great success and I am now able to wear shoes again, even flip flops! I can go barefoot in the house and on the grass. I can step into and out of the shower. I can sit in a chair without propping my leg up on a stack of 4 pillows. I get to sleep in my own bed tonight! What was anticipated to be a 3 to 4 month recovery period turned out to be a 10 week recovery. And it was in large part due to the fact that I carefully followed all of the doctor's directions to the letter, day in and day out, no matter how badly I wanted to cheat a little. After all, I have a Master's degree in Occupational Therapy so I do know a little something about orthopedic surgery, recovery, pain management, the use of assistive devices for walking and bathing and toileting. Thank God I didn't assume that what I knew would be enough to get me through the healing process without following the doctor's directions! There is a young teenage girl who had the exact same surgery that I had, on the same day. I would see her at his office every 3 weeks for follow-up visits. She had not followed the directions. Because it didn't hurt "too much", she assumed that it would be OK to go ahead and put some weight on her foot, as long as she was still using the crutches. Her ankle was not healing at all like it should be. She is facing the possibility of having to have the surgery redone and starting the whole process all over again. All because she didn't follow the directions.
Perhaps I have learned something after all. Perhaps because my latest attempt at doing something without looking at the directions had failed, I have become more willing to look and listen to the instructions provided by those who know a little more about assembling a pantry properly or allowing the body to heal after a major surgery. I am so grateful that I followed the directions this time, even though I didn't want to, because it has paid off in the end. Now, I can enjoy what's left of summer, strolling around in my favorite Sketchers flip flops and painting my toenails. I think I'm going to buy a new toe ring to celebrate!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Unplugged
I am trying something new to me. I am giving up my cable and Internet services at my apartment for the next three months. Throughout my recovery period following my latest surgery, I became acutely aware of how many hours of television I was watching and how much time I was spending on Facebook, playing FarmVille and Penguin Toss. I also realized that I had been doing this before all of my surgeries took place. I have continued to surf channels even when I couldn't seem to find anything I wanted to watch and then would end up watching re-runs of "Law and Order" that I have seen at least half a dozen times. It never occurred to me to turn off the TV and pick up a book to read. It never occurred to me to listen to music that I enjoy. It never occurred to me to pick up my crocheting or work on my writing. Immediately following my surgery, I made grandiose plans of all that I could accomplish while I was laid up. I was going to devote those six to eight weeks to writing, reading, and working on any of a number of craft projects that I have started but never finished. Well, none of that happened. The first two weeks were focused on managing my pain and resting, which was necessary and the most important thing to be doing at that time. As for the rest of the time, the issue was not my inability to do these things. It was a matter of laziness. It was so much easier to sit and push buttons on a remote than turn on a lamp and open one of my books. It would take too much effort to grab my yarn and pick up my crocheting hook. So, I continued to watch TV, sometimes up to 15 hours a day. Now that is insane! I felt lethargic and like my mind was turning to mush. I was suddenly painfully aware how much I have missed doing so many of the things that I love to do.
Part of my motivation to give up my cable and Internet was driven by my financial limitations as the medical bills from my four surgeries keep coming in. But the more I thought about it, I was feeling drawn to return to activities that I enjoy and that stimulate my mind. So far, I have "done without" for 1 week. And so far, it has not been difficult. I have found many, many things to occupy my time and have gotten more accomplished in this past week than I have in years. I am aware that I am in an initial stage of excitement and motivation for my newest adventure. And I'm not totally giving everything electronic up and being completely unplugged. I am going to make use of the computers and Internet at the library. It is my hope that by spending less time on the Internet at home, I will be more focused and use my time more productively, focusing on my writing and researching rather than playing FarmVille. I will go to the computer when I feel a desire to do something meaningful to me. And I will continue to check DVDs out from the library, choosing more carefully what I would like to see. I know that there will be a few television programs that I will miss, like "Modern Family" and "The Closer". But now that programs are available on DVD and online, I know that I will not have to worry about missing out on anything because I can always check them out later if I choose to. I am also choosing to read again. I have always loved reading but have not done much of it over the past several years. That hasn't stopped me from purchasing new books that I think I'd like to read sometime. I now have managed to collect over 600 books, none of which I have read. I dust them off every few weeks and scan the shelves trying to decide what to read first, and then I walk away and plop down in my recliner and turn on the TV. If I were to read one book a week, it would take me a little over 12 years to finish them all. That just blows my mind!
So, after some thought on the matter, I decided that I want to at least try to get back to doing things that are meaningful rather than mindless. I have already read two books this week and have found that the time has flown by much more quickly than it ever has when watching "Toddlers and Tiaras". I'm sure that there will be times when I will feel like watching mindless TV for an hour or two and I may even regret my decision to cancel my cable, especially when football season starts. But in the long run, I believe that I will have a greater sense of fulfillment and accomplishment by doing rather than observing and that the time I do choose to spend watching a DVD or working on the computer will be more satisfying because I will have made a deliberate, thoughtful choice for how to spend that time.
Wish me luck with my "experiment"! I am anxious to see where it leads me!
Part of my motivation to give up my cable and Internet was driven by my financial limitations as the medical bills from my four surgeries keep coming in. But the more I thought about it, I was feeling drawn to return to activities that I enjoy and that stimulate my mind. So far, I have "done without" for 1 week. And so far, it has not been difficult. I have found many, many things to occupy my time and have gotten more accomplished in this past week than I have in years. I am aware that I am in an initial stage of excitement and motivation for my newest adventure. And I'm not totally giving everything electronic up and being completely unplugged. I am going to make use of the computers and Internet at the library. It is my hope that by spending less time on the Internet at home, I will be more focused and use my time more productively, focusing on my writing and researching rather than playing FarmVille. I will go to the computer when I feel a desire to do something meaningful to me. And I will continue to check DVDs out from the library, choosing more carefully what I would like to see. I know that there will be a few television programs that I will miss, like "Modern Family" and "The Closer". But now that programs are available on DVD and online, I know that I will not have to worry about missing out on anything because I can always check them out later if I choose to. I am also choosing to read again. I have always loved reading but have not done much of it over the past several years. That hasn't stopped me from purchasing new books that I think I'd like to read sometime. I now have managed to collect over 600 books, none of which I have read. I dust them off every few weeks and scan the shelves trying to decide what to read first, and then I walk away and plop down in my recliner and turn on the TV. If I were to read one book a week, it would take me a little over 12 years to finish them all. That just blows my mind!
So, after some thought on the matter, I decided that I want to at least try to get back to doing things that are meaningful rather than mindless. I have already read two books this week and have found that the time has flown by much more quickly than it ever has when watching "Toddlers and Tiaras". I'm sure that there will be times when I will feel like watching mindless TV for an hour or two and I may even regret my decision to cancel my cable, especially when football season starts. But in the long run, I believe that I will have a greater sense of fulfillment and accomplishment by doing rather than observing and that the time I do choose to spend watching a DVD or working on the computer will be more satisfying because I will have made a deliberate, thoughtful choice for how to spend that time.
Wish me luck with my "experiment"! I am anxious to see where it leads me!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Mustard Seeds
I was flipping channels a couple of hours ago, looking for something to watch to help me pass time since I couldn't seem to be able to fall asleep. I stumbled upon a documentary titled "Serving Life" on OWN. Narrated by Forrest Whitaker, this two hour program featured inmates serving life sentences at the Louisiana State Penitentiary who were part of a hospice volunteer program, caring for inmates who are facing the end of their lives and dealing with terminal illnesses. This program was started in the mid 1990's by warden Burl Cain and gives selected inmates the opportunity to do something for another and to reach outside of themselves in the spirit of compassion. Most of the inmates are serving sentences for violent offenses - murder, rape, drug related crimes, armed robbery...I was deeply moved by their stories of how these experiences in the hospice care program have changed their lives and their hearts.
People who know me best know that I have had very rigid, strong opinions about the criminal justice system, what the "appropriate" sentences should be for particular crimes, and about the death penalty. Suffice it to say that I have had very little compassion for those who commit such crimes. I have tried to keep my ideas in my "head", and look at things "logically" and according to what I believed would be the most "cost effective" ways of dealing with "hardened criminals". I have refused to look within my heart and see these individuals as human beings. After all, how could anyone, any human being, do to another human being the things that many of these individuals have done? I believe that some of my rage, and if I am going to be honest, hatred, for perpetrators of violent crimes comes from my own personal experience of being raped at the age of 18. My heart most definitely became "hardened" in the days, weeks, months, and years following that experience.
Most of the TV shows that I have seen over the years, such as "Lockup" on MS NBC, focus on the violence of the crimes committed by the inmates and their continued violent behavior within the prison system. This documentary was the first that I have seen that focused on those prisoners who were trying to make a change in their lives for the good, even though they will never be released from behind prison walls. I watched in a state of disbelief at how those inmates who were a part of this rather innovative program treated fellow inmates with such love and compassion. It opened my eyes to the realization that no matter what a person has done, no one wants to be forgotten and no one wants to feel that they are not cared for. No one wants to die alone. I found myself thinking that even the worst of the worst of us has a tiny mustard seed of good inside of them. I have come to believe that no one is purely evil, lacking any capacity whatsoever to love another. This by no means finds me in a position of saying that what some of these men and women have done should be excused or dismissed. I do not believe that anyone has a "right" to act in terrible ways because that was how they have been treated. I still firmly believe that we should be held accountable for our actions and should have to face the consequences for what we have done. However, I am reaching a place in my heart where I realize that in the end, God will judge our actions and that God's forgiveness is available to everyone, whether I like it or not. It has taken me about 20 years to reach the place where I no longer harbor deep resentment and anger toward the individual who assaulted me back in September of 1988.
I still waver back and forth over what I believe our justice system should do with violent offenders. I see stories on the evening news which horrify me and I'm outraged. I struggle with my faith, wondering how a loving, caring God could allow these things to happen. But even though I may still be tempted to believe that in some circumstances, an individual should pay the ultimate price for their crimes and be sentenced and put to death, I keep coming back to the idea that "two wrongs don't make a right". I struggle with believing that God has a reason for everything that happens and that murders, rapes, etc. are a part of God's plan. I do not believe that God plans for any of us to do such things. I do believe however, that God has the power to change people for the good and although none of us can "undo" our past actions, we can choose to learn from them. We can choose to not repeat those behaviors. We can choose to reach out to others in need. We can choose to feel compassion. I try to make sense of it all and I can't. What I can do is hold on to the hope that within every human being is a tiny mustard seed of love and that in the end, love will prevail. Hatred has never given me a sense of peace and serenity. Love does each and every time.
People who know me best know that I have had very rigid, strong opinions about the criminal justice system, what the "appropriate" sentences should be for particular crimes, and about the death penalty. Suffice it to say that I have had very little compassion for those who commit such crimes. I have tried to keep my ideas in my "head", and look at things "logically" and according to what I believed would be the most "cost effective" ways of dealing with "hardened criminals". I have refused to look within my heart and see these individuals as human beings. After all, how could anyone, any human being, do to another human being the things that many of these individuals have done? I believe that some of my rage, and if I am going to be honest, hatred, for perpetrators of violent crimes comes from my own personal experience of being raped at the age of 18. My heart most definitely became "hardened" in the days, weeks, months, and years following that experience.
Most of the TV shows that I have seen over the years, such as "Lockup" on MS NBC, focus on the violence of the crimes committed by the inmates and their continued violent behavior within the prison system. This documentary was the first that I have seen that focused on those prisoners who were trying to make a change in their lives for the good, even though they will never be released from behind prison walls. I watched in a state of disbelief at how those inmates who were a part of this rather innovative program treated fellow inmates with such love and compassion. It opened my eyes to the realization that no matter what a person has done, no one wants to be forgotten and no one wants to feel that they are not cared for. No one wants to die alone. I found myself thinking that even the worst of the worst of us has a tiny mustard seed of good inside of them. I have come to believe that no one is purely evil, lacking any capacity whatsoever to love another. This by no means finds me in a position of saying that what some of these men and women have done should be excused or dismissed. I do not believe that anyone has a "right" to act in terrible ways because that was how they have been treated. I still firmly believe that we should be held accountable for our actions and should have to face the consequences for what we have done. However, I am reaching a place in my heart where I realize that in the end, God will judge our actions and that God's forgiveness is available to everyone, whether I like it or not. It has taken me about 20 years to reach the place where I no longer harbor deep resentment and anger toward the individual who assaulted me back in September of 1988.
I still waver back and forth over what I believe our justice system should do with violent offenders. I see stories on the evening news which horrify me and I'm outraged. I struggle with my faith, wondering how a loving, caring God could allow these things to happen. But even though I may still be tempted to believe that in some circumstances, an individual should pay the ultimate price for their crimes and be sentenced and put to death, I keep coming back to the idea that "two wrongs don't make a right". I struggle with believing that God has a reason for everything that happens and that murders, rapes, etc. are a part of God's plan. I do not believe that God plans for any of us to do such things. I do believe however, that God has the power to change people for the good and although none of us can "undo" our past actions, we can choose to learn from them. We can choose to not repeat those behaviors. We can choose to reach out to others in need. We can choose to feel compassion. I try to make sense of it all and I can't. What I can do is hold on to the hope that within every human being is a tiny mustard seed of love and that in the end, love will prevail. Hatred has never given me a sense of peace and serenity. Love does each and every time.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Name That Tune # 1
I have found myself listening to the music on my iPod more often now, perhaps because I can't seem to find much to entertain me on TV. I was having a discussion with a good friend about what type of music I have downloaded and what it says about my personality. It was an interesting conversation. Afterwards, I spent a little time scrolling down through my music and noticed that I have a little bit of everything. Well, most everything. Each song that I have was chosen because something about it speaks to me. For the most part, I am drawn to the story behind the lyrics. Other songs were chosen simply for no other reason than I like the beat. Quite often, a line or two will stick out and cause me to think about something in perhaps a new way, moving in an entirely different direction from the story being told.
My thinking will often take off in it's own direction and every time I listen to a song, I think of something new. So, that being said, I'm going to share what sticks out at me when I hear one of my favorites. It may make sense and relate to the story the artist is conveying. It may not. I might stray far from the intended message, pulling a line out of the song, out of context, and assigning a whole other meaning to it. But I think that's OK because it stimulates my thinking and sometimes opens my eyes to new ideas, much like the way "free association" works. So, a line from the first song from my alphabetical listing on my iPod:
"Why can't you see me through his eyes?" And my thoughts...
More often than not, we are judged, and we judge others, according to all that we are not, to what qualities we are lacking. We compare ourselves to others and see all of the ways we don't "measure up" to everyone else. I believe that the world would be a much better place if we looked toward all that we are and what we have to offer to each other. We all have something to contribute to society. We are all capable of doing "good". I like to think that this is how God sees me. He is not keeping a tally of all of my "faults" and "flaws". I don't even believe that He is keeping a running list of all of my sins. He is not asking me to be just like you and He is not asking you to be just like me. He is asking me to be my best and to do my best with what I have. So, I am choosing to see others the way I believe God sees others and to work toward what can be accomplished if we all work together, lending our talents and ideas and efforts to make this world a better place for all of us. Imagine the possibilities if we all were to strive to see each other through His eyes...
Can you name that tune? It is "According to You" by Orianthi, album "Believe" (bonus track version).
Until next time...
My thinking will often take off in it's own direction and every time I listen to a song, I think of something new. So, that being said, I'm going to share what sticks out at me when I hear one of my favorites. It may make sense and relate to the story the artist is conveying. It may not. I might stray far from the intended message, pulling a line out of the song, out of context, and assigning a whole other meaning to it. But I think that's OK because it stimulates my thinking and sometimes opens my eyes to new ideas, much like the way "free association" works. So, a line from the first song from my alphabetical listing on my iPod:
"Why can't you see me through his eyes?" And my thoughts...
More often than not, we are judged, and we judge others, according to all that we are not, to what qualities we are lacking. We compare ourselves to others and see all of the ways we don't "measure up" to everyone else. I believe that the world would be a much better place if we looked toward all that we are and what we have to offer to each other. We all have something to contribute to society. We are all capable of doing "good". I like to think that this is how God sees me. He is not keeping a tally of all of my "faults" and "flaws". I don't even believe that He is keeping a running list of all of my sins. He is not asking me to be just like you and He is not asking you to be just like me. He is asking me to be my best and to do my best with what I have. So, I am choosing to see others the way I believe God sees others and to work toward what can be accomplished if we all work together, lending our talents and ideas and efforts to make this world a better place for all of us. Imagine the possibilities if we all were to strive to see each other through His eyes...
Can you name that tune? It is "According to You" by Orianthi, album "Believe" (bonus track version).
Until next time...
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