I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

Tonight, I'm feeling especially "old". I just received my new Lifeline device from my insurance company. I have it sitting on its charging dock as I'm filling out the paperwork for my emergency contacts and medical history. I don't feel old enough to need one yet here I am. After my fall last December, I feel some sense of relief in knowing that help can be a push of a button away. There is some peace of mind that comes with having access to emergency services without the panic that gripped me when I came to in the bathroom after having passed out. The excruciating pain and the sight of blood pouring out of my lower leg and ankle was bad enough, but it paled in comparison to the overwhelming fear that I was going to bleed to death alone on my bathroom floor before anyone would find me. Now I can summon for help simply by pressing a button and, even if I'm not capable of pressing that button myself, it should detect a fall and initiate a call to emergency services automatically which is reassuring. So, if "I've fallen and I can't get up", I can have faith that help is on the way.

That's all well and good for my physical safety and needs. But what about my mental, emotional, and spiritual needs? In so many ways I feel as though "I've fallen and can't get up" in those areas as well. A lot of my OCD symptoms are rearing their ugly little heads right now and as I feel more stress and anxiety, I find myself counting and arranging everything in my mind. I have this notebook that is filled with numbers, just one through eight, that I've written over and over and over again. At first, writing numbers seems to help to decrease my anxiety, but then that act takes on a life of its own, becoming something that I must do. That then in turn feeds into my depression which is telling me to pull my blanket up over my head and hide from the world. I don't want to eat. Then I want to eat everything in sight. My participation in the weight loss program I was doing before my injury has been put on hold at this time until I'm further along in my recovery from the fractures and surgery. I'm frustrated by that. Instead of continuing to do what I need to be doing I've adopted the attitude "the hell with it!" And so it's no surprise that I've gained some of the weight that I had lost back again. That too feeds into the depression, and I let more and more of the little everyday things like brushing my teeth and putting on clean clothes fall by the wayside. I've slacked off on my physical therapy exercises and can feel myself losing strength. If I don't gain strength and endurance, I won't be able to leave my apartment which means I won't be able to be around people face to face. It's becoming all too easy for me to isolate right now. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm alone. I feel as though "I've fallen, and I can't get up".

The good news is that there are lifelines out there for my mental, emotional, and spiritual needs that I can tap into if I choose to. I have a therapist and case manager who can help me process my emotions and challenge my thinking. I have support groups that I can reach out to and meetings I can attend on Zoom until I'm able to get out and about again. I do have friends, peer mentors, and sponsors that care about me and are willing to help if I ask and let them know what I need. I have a loving and supportive family. I have three kitties who love me unconditionally and are always happy to see me. And perhaps most importantly to me I have a gentle, loving God who is just waiting to help carry me through my life journey.  Sometimes it's hard for me to see God working in my life when I'm in the midst of darkness but I have to believe that He is there because I always make it out on the other side despite myself. All I have to do is press that button and God will answer my call for help. There are no emergencies that are too small, and I have to believe that I'm not bothering my family, my friends, my therapist, or my God when I reach out and make that call for help.