FUCK YOU, Affirmations!!!

I have mixed feelings about affirmations. The first time a therapist suggested trying them out I thought to myself, "this is bullshit!". I am NOT going to sit down in front of a mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me". I will not be like Stuart Smalley! For years and years now I have resisted, no, more like fought tooth and nail, the suggestions to try saying positive things to myself or worse yet, to tell myself that I loved myself. That just wasn't going to happen! That shit was for "crazy" people. But then, every once in a while, I'd find myself thinking what harm could it do? Maybe it was worth a shot to try to see if coming up with a few positive affirmations could help me with the way I saw and felt about myself. I started with a very basic one - "I like myself." I wasn't ready to use the word love because in all honesty, I struggled to believe that I did indeed barely, sort of even like myself a little bit My therapists would keep telling me that the more you say the affirmations and practice repeating them to yourself, the more you begin to believe them. They also told me that I could make affirmations for things that I wanted to manifest in my life. So, I added "I am sober" to my tiny list, months before I was able to finally get sober. 

As the years have gone by, I have vacillated between periods of using affirmations and "going it alone" in the darker corners of my mind. A couple of years ago I came across a planner, Define My Day, and as I also have an addiction to buying excessive amounts of certain items (planners, journals, pens, etc.), I ordered a set of three to take advantage of the sale price (and because 3 is one of my numbers "chosen" by my OCD). The very first page of this planner is titled "Affirmations" and there is a whole page for you to list whatever you'd like. I started making my list. Three became 8 (the other number "chosen" by my OCD to be important), 8 became 11, and eventually 11 became 16. I included statements which reflected how I felt about myself as well as things I wanted to manifest in my life. It seemed to work for me when I was trying to get sober, so why not? The planner also gives you spaces to create goals for the month and then you can break those down into milestones that help you to work towards achieving those goals. Each day you can set priorities and tasks to help you meet those. Anyway, what I found was that I rarely turned back to the first page to review my affirmations. I'd have good intentions of doing that each day and then it wouldn't happen. What did happen was that I'd get pissed off at the affirmations for not working when the truth of the matter was that they weren't working because I wasn't reading them to myself regularly. 

Now I'm at another crossroad with my affirmations. I'm wanting to use them as a tool to help guide me and encourage me with my weight loss journey. I'm feeling so down and discouraged by the fact that since my fall resulting in the ankle and fibula fractures last December, I've regained 60 pounds. There are times when I find myself wishing that I could just fall into a very deep hole and die because I'm embarrassed and ashamed and angry and frustrated and sad. And then there are moments where I'm feeling motivated to get back at it. I lost the weight before; I can lose it again! Can't I? I decided to make up 8 posters, each with an affirmation or phrase to help encourage me and remind me of what I'm doing and why. I used bright colored markers and have all of them taped to my living room wall, directly across from my recliner. And I must admit, they do help me, when I let them. I'm going to say that again - they do help me, when I let them!

So, fuck you, affirmations! How dare you make me feel better about myself? How dare you encourage me to make better choices and decisions? How dare you help me to pause to consider my options and the consequences of the choices I make? How dare you help me to move in a more positive direction? How dare you challenge me and my way of thinking? (Oh, and thank you affirmations.) I'm still nowhere near being ready to look at myself in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." But I am learning, as affirmation number 8 on my living room wall states, to "Sit with the discomfort. It will pass! I won't die!" And I am capable of doing great things!