I have not been living well. I was going to add the word "lately" to that sentence, but the truth is that I have not been living well for quite some time now. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I've been dying well. My days have been filled with very little joy and no sense of purpose or direction to speak of. I've been sleeping 16-18 hours a day. I've been eating poorly and focusing on whatever I can do to make myself thin again, believing that if only I could get down to 135 pounds, I'd be happy. I've been avoiding doing things with my friends. My relationships are strained as I try my damnedest to be the "perfect" daughter. I'm barely giving my kitties any attention. I'm not engaging in any activities I enjoy. I'm worried about having enough money to be able to do some of the things I'd like to do. I'm crippled by fear and anxiety and depression. I struggle to accept my sexuality. I am plagued by chronic pain and worry about my physical health. I've been thinking about dying because living hurts right now.
I hadn't really given that much thought as to why living hurts so much right now until I was asked to consider what "living with intention" meant. So, I started by looking at what intention means. I found that the definition includes having an aim or plan. Synonyms included purpose, design, objective, goal, and what one has in mind to do or bring about. I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. I tried to picture in my mind what things I would want to do as a part of living with intention. I decided that these things had to bring me some sense of joy or peace or contentment. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to come up with anything. But, after a few minutes, ideas started popping into my mind. I came up with a list of ten things:
1. time spent in meditation and reflection
2. listening to music
3. learning something new each day
4. reading
5. keeping a gratitude journal
6. connecting with other people
7. making a difference in the world, helping others
8. writing: poetry, blogs, journals, book
9. spending time playing with my kitties
10. working on creative projects: collages, crocheting, coloring.
Doing these things regularly could be a part of a pathway to wellness, which would move me in the direction of living with a sense of purpose. To me, living with intention means doing what I love, living with no judgments or regrets, living with enthusiasm and joy. It means laughter and loving others. It means truly listening and being open to learning new things. I always feel invigorated when I'm gathered with my friends or when I'm writing. So, why wouldn't I want to do these things daily? It's tempting to say that I don't do these things because I don't love myself enough to make living with intention a priority. Or that I'm held prey to fear. And although there is some degree of truth to those statements, I know that ultimately the choice lies with me. I know from my involvement in 12 step recovery that I can choose to "act as if". I can decide, one day at a time, to live with intention and do those things I've listed above, believing they will cultivate that sense of peace and joy that has been eluding me. Or, I can continue on the way I have been, and dread waking up each day. Which pathway do I want to choose?
