So, it's been a little while since I've posted anything. I'll think about siting down to write something and then I'll tell myself that there's nothing there. Nothing on my mind. Nothing to share. Just nothing there. Then I'll get an "itch", something that bubbles up to the surface in my mind. But lately I've been uncomfortable with what pops up and so I tell myself that there's nothing there. There's nothing there. THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!! I pull my super soft, Dennis Basso throw up around my shoulders and sit with my kitties while blaring music on my Amazon Echo until the feelings pass. I want to shove my feelings back down to my toes and I so desperately want for there to be nothing there. I need for there to be nothing there.
Recent events in politics and in the news have triggered memories of past trauma for me. I have been plagued by unrelenting nightmares that shake me to my core. I wake up feeling like I'm suffocating and my heart is pounding. I'm soaked with sweat to the point of needing to get up and put on dry pajamas. I've been sleeping with the lights on, hoping that will prevent me from going into the deeper stages of sleep where the nightmares reside. It's not working. I jolt awake and fight to regain my breath while telling myself there's nothing there. It was only a dream. There's nothing there. THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!!
I fight a battle with myself every time it's time to eat a meal. I'm torn between following a ketogenic diet recommended by my doctors or following a plant based, vegan diet that fits with my values. I want to do what's "right", but I go back and forth trying to decide what's most important to me. Today for lunch I had a chef salad. Good for the ketogenic diet, not so good for the vegan diet. I spent an hour agonizing over my decision to eat that and in the end, it made me vomit. Guilt got the best of me, again. I felt myself saying "there's nothing there" as the anxiety gripped my mind. There's nothing there. THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!!
My apartment is an absolute disaster. I'm not going to say how long it's been since I've run the vacuum. That should tell you something anyway. I have this path that goes from my bedroom to my chair and from my chair to my computer and from my computer to my kitchen. My cats are constantly knocking things over but I can't blame them. After all, my stuff is in their way. I currently have library books scattered all over the floor. Thirty-seven of them. I want to pick them up. I need to pick them up. I sit in my chair and stare at them and know that they do not belong on the floor. But there they lay. You see, I cannot decide where to put them or "how" to put them. My books on my bookshelves are all alphabetized by author. I do have one empty shelf available. Do I alphabetize the library books? Or do I shelve them according to their due dates? Neither way feels "right". If I put them on that empty shelf it throws off my whole shelving system. And I don't want to do it "wrong". So, I close my eyes and tell myself there's nothing there. There's nothing there. THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!! And I continue to step over the books.
The problem is, however, that there IS something there. Whether I'm talking about nightmares, memories, ethical dilemmas, or my messy apartment, there IS something there. I've been doing my damnedest to live in denial. But that's not working for me. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to keep trying to convince myself that there's nothing there when there is obviously something there. I am afraid that I won't be able to deal with what is there. If I keep pulling the wool over my eyes, I'll never see what is in front of me and then I'll fall flat on my face. Surely that will hurt more than facing the truth. Right? Maybe it's time to say "yes, there is something there" and start to heal the hurt.
