Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Time spent surrounded by family and friends; fun, food, laughter and games; gift exchanges and getting to see the joy and excitement on my nieces and nephews faces as they play with their presents. But my favorite part of the holiday was always the Christmas eve service where I could go to celebrate my faith through the stories being shared by my dad (for those who do not know, he is a retired United Methodist minister) and rejoice in the singing of the carols. Getting to hear a soloist sing "O Holy Night" and then closing the service with a candlelight singing of "Silent Night" deeply moved my soul.
However, Christmas is changing for me this year. I am physically unable to get out of my home right now. I was able to watch my church's Christmas eve service live online. I sang along, voice cracking, tears streaming down my face, with my kitty Kiki on my lap, missing the sense of human connection. Some hymns were too hard to sing at all because I couldn't catch my breath. It was a very lonely feeling. And I thought, "Where Are You Christmas?"
Tomorrow, many members of my family will be gathering at my brother Ben's house for Christmas day. They will unwrap presents and share a good home cooked holiday meal together. My parents will be making the trip in from their assisted living facility half an hour away to be a part of the celebration. I do not get to see them often as it is difficult for my mom to get around now. Some of my siblings will be coming from out of town, as will my oldest niece and nephew with their significant others. Once again, those feelings of loneliness, sadness, isolation, and even some anger creep in. I'm going to be home alone on most of Christmas day. I am already feeling very left out and forgotten. I will have a caregiver here with me to help prepare a meal and although I am grateful for that, I am trying to prepare myself for the emotional toll this very different Christmas is going to have on me. Ten years ago, I never imagined our Christmas's were going to be this way. I'm not prepared for aging parents, poor health in myself and my brother Matt, changing relationships and changing family dynamics.
So, now tonight, on Christmas eve, it is 52 degrees with a dense fog advisory until 11:00 a.m. Christmas morning. It does not look like Christmas. With everything going on in our world, it does not feel like Christmas. I am lonely and afraid, and I am asking, where are you, Christmas on this most holy night?
