October 2, 2005

I mixed a cocktail.
Lamictal, 200 mg, 60 pills.
Trileptal, 300 mg, 30 pills.
Trazodone, 300 mg, 60 pills.
Remeron, 30 mg, 30 pills.
Seroquel, 300 mg, 60 pills.
All taken together, at once
with 64 ounces of milk
to coat my stomach.
I thought I could make it
to the park bench by the courthouse fountain
but I collapsed 200 yards into my journey.
My legs just buckled,
my body ignoring the commands
to get up out of the middle of the road.
I vomited.
Retching, spewing pill fragments and milk
all over my face, all through my hair,
and I remember thinking
"Oh my God, I've really done it this time!"
It.
Suicide.
Death.
The end of my life.
I was instantly gripped by panic.
It's not supposed to feel like this!
Where is my sense of peace,
that amazing white light to welcome me home?
Then everything went black
and there was nothing.
I was intubated in the street
and wheeled into the ER
as a Jane Doe, suspected drug overdose.
No ID.
Just a cryptic note crumpled up in my
right front pocket of my jeans.
I awoke days later
to the hiss of the ventilator
ringing in my ears,
my eyelids fluttering in time
to the rhythm of the heart monitor.
Five bags of fluid on the IV pole.
Wires everywhere.
I tried to move
but my wrists were in restraints.
I began to cough,
choking on the tube down my throat
and I heard my mother's voice saying
"Get the nurse! She's waking up!"
Who? Me?
But that can't be!
I did it.
I really did it this time.
It.
Suicide.
Death.
Now what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Am I okay
or am I going to be a vegetable?
Why is Days of our Lives
on my hospital room TV?
My days were supposed be over
but now there is a social worker in my room
talking to my parents
about the number of days
I'll need to be under inpatient psychiatric care!
Again.
Dammit, again.
I want to say "I'm sorry", but I can't.
What am I sorry for?
For putting my family through this?
For asking them to love me anyway?
For not dying?
It,
suicide,
death
is such a mess.
I already sent out invitations to my funeral
because I wanted to be sure
someone would be there
to remember me for me
because I sure as hell
don't remember me.
My mind's long term memory
is racked with guilt and shame and pain
and my short term memory
is, well, what were we talking about?
It.
Suicide.
Death.
And the day I almost, almost died.

FUCK YOU, Affirmations!!!

I have mixed feelings about affirmations. The first time a therapist suggested trying them out I thought to myself, "this is bullshit!". I am NOT going to sit down in front of a mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me". I will not be like Stuart Smalley! For years and years now I have resisted, no, more like fought tooth and nail, the suggestions to try saying positive things to myself or worse yet, to tell myself that I loved myself. That just wasn't going to happen! That shit was for "crazy" people. But then, every once in a while, I'd find myself thinking what harm could it do? Maybe it was worth a shot to try to see if coming up with a few positive affirmations could help me with the way I saw and felt about myself. I started with a very basic one - "I like myself." I wasn't ready to use the word love because in all honesty, I struggled to believe that I did indeed barely, sort of even like myself a little bit My therapists would keep telling me that the more you say the affirmations and practice repeating them to yourself, the more you begin to believe them. They also told me that I could make affirmations for things that I wanted to manifest in my life. So, I added "I am sober" to my tiny list, months before I was able to finally get sober. 

As the years have gone by, I have vacillated between periods of using affirmations and "going it alone" in the darker corners of my mind. A couple of years ago I came across a planner, Define My Day, and as I also have an addiction to buying excessive amounts of certain items (planners, journals, pens, etc.), I ordered a set of three to take advantage of the sale price (and because 3 is one of my numbers "chosen" by my OCD). The very first page of this planner is titled "Affirmations" and there is a whole page for you to list whatever you'd like. I started making my list. Three became 8 (the other number "chosen" by my OCD to be important), 8 became 11, and eventually 11 became 16. I included statements which reflected how I felt about myself as well as things I wanted to manifest in my life. It seemed to work for me when I was trying to get sober, so why not? The planner also gives you spaces to create goals for the month and then you can break those down into milestones that help you to work towards achieving those goals. Each day you can set priorities and tasks to help you meet those. Anyway, what I found was that I rarely turned back to the first page to review my affirmations. I'd have good intentions of doing that each day and then it wouldn't happen. What did happen was that I'd get pissed off at the affirmations for not working when the truth of the matter was that they weren't working because I wasn't reading them to myself regularly. 

Now I'm at another crossroad with my affirmations. I'm wanting to use them as a tool to help guide me and encourage me with my weight loss journey. I'm feeling so down and discouraged by the fact that since my fall resulting in the ankle and fibula fractures last December, I've regained 60 pounds. There are times when I find myself wishing that I could just fall into a very deep hole and die because I'm embarrassed and ashamed and angry and frustrated and sad. And then there are moments where I'm feeling motivated to get back at it. I lost the weight before; I can lose it again! Can't I? I decided to make up 8 posters, each with an affirmation or phrase to help encourage me and remind me of what I'm doing and why. I used bright colored markers and have all of them taped to my living room wall, directly across from my recliner. And I must admit, they do help me, when I let them. I'm going to say that again - they do help me, when I let them!

So, fuck you, affirmations! How dare you make me feel better about myself? How dare you encourage me to make better choices and decisions? How dare you help me to pause to consider my options and the consequences of the choices I make? How dare you help me to move in a more positive direction? How dare you challenge me and my way of thinking? (Oh, and thank you affirmations.) I'm still nowhere near being ready to look at myself in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." But I am learning, as affirmation number 8 on my living room wall states, to "Sit with the discomfort. It will pass! I won't die!" And I am capable of doing great things!

I Am Scared

I am scared. I am having a hard time staying in today right now. Because of my anxiety, I do not spend a lot of time following what is going on in politics. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in feelings of helplessness and hopelessness about what is going on in the world. It seems like there is so little that I can do, and everything is out of my control. I know that these feelings are only going to become more intense over the next several months as we approach the time for elections. I find myself praying that perhaps we can move not so much towards making America great again but towards making America kind again. However, I fear that this is not the direction things are moving and it terrifies me. My OCD is being triggered and I find myself engaging in compulsions which take up a lot of my time, without providing relief for my anxiety. Between those and the nightmares I am now having, I am left feeling pretty unsettled.  

I worry about cutbacks to both Medicare, and to Medicaid at the state level. I have been receiving Social Security Disability since 2005 due to pervasive mental illness. There have been many years that found me being hospitalized several times for either severe depression or mania due to my bipolar disorder. Because of that, and my severe OCD, I am unable to work. It is only in recent years that I have experienced any level of stability. I worry about what will happen to me if social security is slashed. As it is, I currently make barely enough to live on from month to month.

As a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, I fear that the rights for same-sex marriage could be stripped away. What seemed like a beginning to moving in the direction of acceptance and recognition of the same rights for members of this community, as for all others, now seems to be going backwards. And although I am not transgender, it infuriates me that there is so much controversy and anger over what bathroom someone wants to use. I identify as lesbian and although I am not currently in a relationship, I want my right to marry another woman, if I so choose to, to be honored, recognized, and protected. I do feel that there is more open-mindedness and acceptance towards LGBTQIA+ individuals in our society, however in politics, this seems to be becoming more controversial again.

Women's rights are also going backwards. I was devastated by the overturning of Roe vs. Wade. When I was 18 years old, I was raped. When my period didn't come, I took a pregnancy test. Actually, I took 8 pregnancy tests, just to be sure. They were all positive. After a lot of thought, crying, and yes, praying, I made the very difficult decision to have an abortion. I was not ready to be a mother. Having children was never going to be a part of my life plan. I could not envision myself being able to carry the pregnancy to term as it would be a constant reminder of my horrific experience. So, I chose to terminate the pregnancy. I know that this is a very controversial issue and I'm not going to try to force anyone to believe a certain way; I'm just going to share my own beliefs.  It is my opinion that each woman should have the right to make that decision for herself. Having safe, accessible medical care should be a right. This was not a decision that I made lightly and without great thought. Stripping women's healthcare away just isn't the answer, no matter what your personal beliefs are. Threatening doctors who perform abortions puts the lives of the women at stake. I can't believe that we find ourselves here again on this issue. I fear for the lives and safety of all women who find themselves struggling to make this decision.

There are so many other issues that I worry about - gun control and banning assault weapons, climate change and the health of our planet, banning books and trying to erase parts of our history and what we allow to be taught in our schools, children going to school hungry, homelessness, the way we care for our elders and our veterans, illegal immigration and border control, racism, foreign affairs, the war in the Middle East....the list goes on and on. Like I said at the beginning, I can't allow myself to spend too much time thinking about these issues because it feeds my depression and anxiety. I wish that I had hope for America, but right now, I don't know. I'm finding it so very hard to live in today and not worry about what tomorrow is going to hold. I don't like feeling so out of control. So, for now, I will do the next right thing for me and continue to pray. It's now after 4:00 a.m. I cannot do anything tonight. And when the time comes, I will vote.   

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

Tonight, I'm feeling especially "old". I just received my new Lifeline device from my insurance company. I have it sitting on its charging dock as I'm filling out the paperwork for my emergency contacts and medical history. I don't feel old enough to need one yet here I am. After my fall last December, I feel some sense of relief in knowing that help can be a push of a button away. There is some peace of mind that comes with having access to emergency services without the panic that gripped me when I came to in the bathroom after having passed out. The excruciating pain and the sight of blood pouring out of my lower leg and ankle was bad enough, but it paled in comparison to the overwhelming fear that I was going to bleed to death alone on my bathroom floor before anyone would find me. Now I can summon for help simply by pressing a button and, even if I'm not capable of pressing that button myself, it should detect a fall and initiate a call to emergency services automatically which is reassuring. So, if "I've fallen and I can't get up", I can have faith that help is on the way.

That's all well and good for my physical safety and needs. But what about my mental, emotional, and spiritual needs? In so many ways I feel as though "I've fallen and can't get up" in those areas as well. A lot of my OCD symptoms are rearing their ugly little heads right now and as I feel more stress and anxiety, I find myself counting and arranging everything in my mind. I have this notebook that is filled with numbers, just one through eight, that I've written over and over and over again. At first, writing numbers seems to help to decrease my anxiety, but then that act takes on a life of its own, becoming something that I must do. That then in turn feeds into my depression which is telling me to pull my blanket up over my head and hide from the world. I don't want to eat. Then I want to eat everything in sight. My participation in the weight loss program I was doing before my injury has been put on hold at this time until I'm further along in my recovery from the fractures and surgery. I'm frustrated by that. Instead of continuing to do what I need to be doing I've adopted the attitude "the hell with it!" And so it's no surprise that I've gained some of the weight that I had lost back again. That too feeds into the depression, and I let more and more of the little everyday things like brushing my teeth and putting on clean clothes fall by the wayside. I've slacked off on my physical therapy exercises and can feel myself losing strength. If I don't gain strength and endurance, I won't be able to leave my apartment which means I won't be able to be around people face to face. It's becoming all too easy for me to isolate right now. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm alone. I feel as though "I've fallen, and I can't get up".

The good news is that there are lifelines out there for my mental, emotional, and spiritual needs that I can tap into if I choose to. I have a therapist and case manager who can help me process my emotions and challenge my thinking. I have support groups that I can reach out to and meetings I can attend on Zoom until I'm able to get out and about again. I do have friends, peer mentors, and sponsors that care about me and are willing to help if I ask and let them know what I need. I have a loving and supportive family. I have three kitties who love me unconditionally and are always happy to see me. And perhaps most importantly to me I have a gentle, loving God who is just waiting to help carry me through my life journey.  Sometimes it's hard for me to see God working in my life when I'm in the midst of darkness but I have to believe that He is there because I always make it out on the other side despite myself. All I have to do is press that button and God will answer my call for help. There are no emergencies that are too small, and I have to believe that I'm not bothering my family, my friends, my therapist, or my God when I reach out and make that call for help.

Open Fractures

On Saturday evening, December 16, 2023, I passed out in my bathroom. When I came to, I was pinned between the bathtub and the toilet with my left leg underneath me. I immediately felt this excruciating pain in my left leg, a pain like no other that I've ever felt before. I was gripped by a sense of panic as I realized that I would have to figure out how to get myself out of the bathroom so I could call for help. I live alone, and no one would be looking for me until Monday. I had to arch my back over the side of the tub and pull on my pantleg to get my left leg out from underneath me. I began scooting towards the bathroom door, blocking out the pain as best as I could. I grabbed for my reacher to push my shoes off because they were sticking to the bathroom floor, making it impossible for me to scoot on my butt. When I finally managed to get my left shoe off, I noticed that it was full of blood. I thought to myself, "Oh shit! That's not a good sign! That means that there is an open fracture!" I somehow managed to stay calm, focused on getting myself out to the living room. When I reached the hallway, I rolled over onto my stomach and began to do an army crawl towards my Amazon Echo device, where I could ask Alexa to call my dad for help. When I finally reached him, I told him I needed him to come over to my apartment to unlock the door for the fire department and EMS services because I had fallen in the bathroom and broken my ankle. He asked me how I knew that my ankle was broken and I replied "because the bones are sticking out"! I believe that I entered a state of shock because at that time I was no longer feeling much pain in my leg. Then a sense of panic began to set in and I started to hyperventilate. Emergency workers arrived and worked to get me up off the floor and up the stairs outside of my apartment to load me into the ambulance.

Things at the ER were crazy. Doctors and nurses were working in what seemed like a frenzied manner to me to begin to assess the "damage". Once I arrived at the hospital the intense pain really began to set in. I remembered the car accident I had been in back in May 1997 in which I shattered my right calcaneus. At the time, I thought that nothing could ever be more painful than that. I was wrong! I've also had both knees replaced. Nothing compared to the pain I was feeling that evening. NOTHING!!! After the necessary scans and x-rays were completed, I was told that I had an open ankle dislocation and an open fibula fracture. The doctors were going to put me under conscious sedation to set the dislocation and close that up. Then I would be going into emergency surgery early Sunday morning to repair the fibula fracture. After five days in intensive care, I was transferred to a skilled nursing facility to begin my recovery. I struggled to make progress in PT and OT, in part because of my eight week, non weight bearing status on my left leg combined with partial weight bearing on my right foot (due to a hairline fracture also a result of the fall), and in part due to a very deep depression that was setting in. I have bipolar I disorder and typically experience a dip into depression after the Christmas holidays are over anyway, and this situation certainly didn't help matters. I missed my three kitties terribly. I was missing my family over the holidays. I was mentally done and over it. I often found myself crying in the wee hours of the night when I should have been sleeping. It wasn't just my ankle and fibula that were fractured. My spirit was fractured. I wasn't sure that I'd be able to return home to take care of myself after this injury. Once I was finally able to start putting weight on my leg and walking again the pain was pretty intense. After three weeks of walking with physical therapy I felt like I was ready to return home. Those first few days were brutal, and I felt discouraged and defeated. I questioned my decision to come home and began to think that maybe I would have been better off surrendering my apartment, my kitties, my everything, and become a resident of the long term care facility. Those were not good feelings to have. 

One thing that was a saving grace to me during my first week home was the encouragement from a close friend. She was there to support me, push me to take those first few baby steps, to see how far I had really come in such a short time since beginning to walk again. She has been my primary care assistant over the last couple of years and I always looked forward to her coming over to my apartment to help me with housekeeping tasks, meal preparation, and daily living skills because she always knew how to make me smile. I didn't only view her as a caregiver; we had become friends. She helped me to laugh and to appreciate the little things. She helped me to see how far I had come. And then...she told me that she was going to be moving out of state in a month. I was crushed. And even though I could appreciate the opportunity for a new chapter in her life, I was devastated. I don't let too many people in. I had let her in and now she was going to be leaving. After she told me I cried. In many ways this felt like an open emotional fracture. I don't like to hurt, inside or outside. This hurts. It hurts more than I thought it was going to. 

So, where does all of this leave me today? Where do I go from here? I know that I have to continue with my physical recovery efforts in order to gain strength and endurance. I can't allow myself to settle in with my depression. I have to push myself to reach out and let others in. I have to get back to my prior level of functioning, both physically and emotionally, so that I don't remain isolated with my thoughts and feelings. I have to remember that my friend did not die, that I can still choose to make the effort to stay in touch. The physical pain in my left ankle and leg is lessening with time. I have to believe that the emotional pain and hurt I'm experiencing as my friend prepares to move next week will also lessen with time. Right now, I'm pretty raw. I'm in that "open fracture" stage. I can grieve what was - the almost daily contact with my friend - and know that it will not always hurt this bad. I can continue to share how I'm feeling with others, just as I have others help me with my physical therapy exercises. My legs will get stronger. My depression will quiet down. I will be happy for my friend and smile and laugh when I remember conversations we have had over the past four years. Open fractures can and do heal with time. I will be patient. I will have faith. I will do my part. I will get better.

I Have OCD. No, for Real!

I'm pretty open about my struggles with mental illness. I don't broadcast that I'm living with mental illness, but I do share it when it's appropriate. Most of the time when I share that I have bipolar disorder, people say "Oh". Some share that they have bipolar too or that they have someone in their family or circle of friends that has it. But it's a whole different experience when I share that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. When I share that, I get this response, almost 100% of the time: "(Laughter) Me too!" People then go on to describe how they have to have pictures hanging perfectly straight on the wall or tell me how everything on their dresser has it's own spot and it drives them crazy if something is moved. When I hear these kinds of things, my insides start churning and I feel the anxiety building. While I don't doubt that those things are true for my friends, I also can't help but wonder if they truly have OCD. I believe that most everyone has some things that they have to have "just so" or it drives them crazy. But not everyone has true, clinical OCD.

Obsessive compulsive disorder can be extremely debilitating. That is the case for me. I had "rules" about how things should be as early as five years old. In kindergarten, I refused to share my crayons. The teacher wanted all of us to dump our crayons in a big bowl for everyone to share. I couldn't do that. I needed mine to stay in the box, in a specific order, with the labels facing front. No one could touch my crayons. I had a very detailed way to sort my M&Ms before I could eat them. As a result, I couldn't eat my baggie of M&Ms in the car on the way to my grandparents house because there was nowhere to lay them all out to sort them. These might not seem like they should be a big deal, but my rules kept increasing in number and complexity and I began to develop rituals that were very demanding and unforgiving. I started counting - EVERYTHING. I started checking - EVERYTHING. Over and over and over again. My rituals began to take up more of my time. I can't not do them because if I don't do them, something bad might happen. I don't know what that might be, but the anxiety is there.

Fast forward to today. It takes me approximately five hours to dust one bookshelf. I have to dust each book and then place it back in it's spot (my books are alphabetized by author). I will put the book back on the shelf and then keep touching it and scanning the shelf to be sure that everything is still in alphabetical order. Then I have to dust the pictures, candles, etc. I actually measure where to put them back so that everything is centered and symmetrical on the shelf. It is a very exhausting process. So, I no longer dust. It is less anxiety inducing to have dusty shelves than to spend five hours dusting one bookshelf. And I still can't totally break free of making sure the books haven't moved. I check my books when I get up in the morning and I check them before I leave my house and when I get home. I know in my head that they probably haven't moved, but I can't break the compulsion to check them. Then there's the counting. My mind is almost always counting. I count my steps when I walk. I count when I'm anxious. My mind won't stop counting at night when I'm trying to go to sleep. I literally have dozens of notebooks that are nothing more than numbers that I've written.

Then there are the obsessive thoughts. I have 3 cats that I love dearly. I would never do anything to harm them and yet I have an intrusive thought that pops into my mind from time to time - I wonder what it would be like to tie a rope around their necks and hang them from the ceiling fan and watch them spin around and around? How sick is that? This is highly distressing for me and leaves me feeling full of guilt and shame for even having such a thought. 

So, maybe you're thinking "Gosh, that would be tough." And you'd be right. But I want to share one more example of just how debilitating OCD can be. Shortly after I was raped, I developed a bathing ritual. At the time, I felt like I'd never feel "clean" again. Once I started that ritual I found that I couldn't stop it. I have been struggling with it for 30 years now. It takes me about 90 minutes to shower. I bathe and then I repeat the whole process four times. I always run out of hot water. By the end of my shower, the water is ice cold. My teeth are chattering. My fingers and toes and lips are blue. Yet I can't not stay in there. This past year, the pain in my knees has gotten so severe that I just cannot physically stand in the shower for 90 minutes anymore. I'm doing good to be able to stand for 10 minutes. I've taken a couple of 10 minutes showers. I end up sobbing as I get out of the tub because I haven't completed my ritual. I cry to the point of making myself physically sick. My mind starts racing and obsessing on the fact that I'm not "clean" enough. The anxiety is crushing. So, and I know most of you will find this hard to grasp, I have not taken a shower since January 23. Yes, it's been 5 months since I've showered. You see, I'd rather go without a shower than to take a shower without being able to complete my ritual. To me, it is the lesser of the two evils. I've been trying to find a shower chair to fit in my tub, hoping that that would allow me to perform my ritual with some minor adjustments but I have a narrow tub in my apartment and we haven't been able to find anything that works yet. So, I don't shower. I know that that is disgusting. And I've had several incidences of skin breakdown. I just treat that the best I can and deal with the itching and burning that comes along with it. I walk into my bathroom EVERY SINGLE DAY and stand in front of the bathtub trying to talk myself into getting in there to shower. Every time I end up crying. I feel this sort of tightening in my chest and it becomes harder and harder to breathe. I start to shake. My head is spinning. So, I turn around and go back into my bedroom and layer on the deodorant and body spray and lotion . THIS IS WHAT OCD CAN LOOK LIKE!

There are medications which can be used to treat OCD. However, since I also have bipolar disorder, my doctor is not willing to prescribe the recommended medications because of the risk of triggering a manic episode. Unfortunately, my OCD and PTSD must take a "back seat" to my bipolar disorder. I'm scared that my OCD is going to completely take over my life. I have so, so many more obsessions and compulsions that are a part of my daily life. Way too many to share. I wanted to share this as an example of what OCD can look like. I'm not saying that others don't have OCD. It can be present to varying degrees in a person's life. But the phrase "I'm so OCD" gets tossed around very casually and we joke about our "quirky" behaviors and laugh it off. But for some of us, OCD is no laughing matter. Never in my whole life did I ever think that I'd be unable to do something as basic as taking a shower. For me, OCD is real. It's effect on my life has been profound. At times, the need to perform my rituals is so strong that I can't resist it. There are times I have to cancel plans, or not even make them in the first place, because I can't get away from the compulsive behaviors to actually leave my house. I pray that, with the help of my therapist and case manager, I can learn to adapt. I pray my symptoms won't continue to get worse. I pray that when you say "I'm so OCD" you're not struggling the way I struggle. It's no way to live.

I Am Not My "Labels" - I Am Me!

I'm sitting here reflecting on all of the "labels" that have been used over the past 53 years to describe me as a person. I remember being labeled "gifted and talented" as an early elementary student. Kids with this label were separated out from the "others", those not considered gifted and talented, and given extra attention, extra opportunities to participate in academic enrichment programs and extracurricular activities. (The "others" weren't given these same opportunities in the 1970s. Where's the common sense in that?) I was a part of a Saturday educational program which exposed me to algebra, trigonometry, geometry, Latin word roots, vocabulary words that were longer than my arms, and challenging essays to read, comprehend, and discuss intelligently. I was 10 years old. At the completion of this program, I was registered to take the SATs right along side the high school students. My feet didn't even touch the floor sitting in those desks. Interestingly enough, I achieved my highest score on the SAT that very first time I took it, even though I took it 4 more times before graduating high school. So...I was SMART. And that meant I would be going to medical school because that's what smart people do.

I moved through college and graduate school with an acceptable GPA, despite the new label I was given. I became known as "the girl who drank way too much", too many nights in a row, and had to, on more than one occasion, be literally dragged back to my dorm room by friends who watched out for my safety. By my mid twenties, that label was officially upgraded to "alcoholic". This should come as no surprise to those who attended school with me or those who would later come to be coworkers and friends of mine. That label is not nearly as desirable as being an academic overachiever although I do believe that I did a much better job of being an alcoholic than I ever did of being a student! Medical school was out. Graduate school was almost out. I struggled to be a dependable employee and citizen. I equated being an alcoholic with being a dismal failure. I relabeled myself as a LOSER, because that's what alcoholics are.

Then in 1998, it became clear that there was something else going on besides active addiction. I found myself becoming increasingly more out of control, even during periods when I had been able to stop drinking for a while. Some days, I was so depressed that I couldn't even get out of bed. I wouldn't shower. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't answer the phone. I wouldn't open my blinds. I simply layed in my bed for days on end. Sometimes I'd cry for hours, other times I couldn't cry at all. Then after several weeks of deep depression, my brain would get a surge of activity from what seemed like the middle of nowhere and I was on top of the world. I went shopping and bought lots of things, most of the time not even remembering what I bought. I maxed out all of my credit cards. I had ten of them at one point. I would go for drives with the windows down, music blaring, chasing down other cars and semis and blowing right by them. There were times when, out on the highway, my speed exceeded 100 mph. If you've ever driven a compact car at that speed, you know that as you whiz by a semi, the car vibrates and there is this tremendous draft or pull towards the truck. I was never scared. It never occurred to me that that was dangerous. I did not have a death wish, I was having fun. I finger painted my coffee tables. I went for days on end without sleep, not even feeling tired physically or emotionally. My creativity flowed easily and I came up with so many brilliant ideas! I drove to Utah and back, stopping only to go to the bathroom and buy another cup of coffee, with a dead rabbit that I had accidentally run over, gently wrapped in a light blue baby blanket on the front passenger's seat of my Mazda Protege, in a snowstorm one January about 18 years ago. When I finally saw a psychiatrist, he told me I had a mental illness. I was Bipolar. I took that to mean that I was CRAZY because I thought that is how mentally ill is defined.

It was around that same time when I was finally ready to be open about my sexuality, something I thought I'd never do. I was preparing myself to live a life alone, no intimate relationships, believing I was a sinner damned to hell for all of eternity. Once again, another label. This time LESBIAN. I have had a number of unfortunate consequences as a result of people finding out that I wasn't that "nice girl" boys could bring home to meet their mothers and I quit several jobs because I was being harassed and didn't have the inner strength and courage to stand up for myself and fight for my rights. I felt "less than" and so, believing that I somehow brought all of this upon myself, moved to another state and started over. But I soon discovered that no matter where I moved, there I was.

I am also a "PK" - the oldest daughter of a United Methodist minister. Many people assume that I know alot about the Bible. Surprise - I know very little about it. I never saw the point in learning anything about God because I knew that I was going to be going to hell. Isn't that where all "over achieving, alcoholic, crazy, lesbians" go?

Thank God I do not always see myself as the sum of my labels today. There are still some days where I wonder how or why I became such a misfit. Why couldn't I have been a "normal" middle class, mid western girl interested in starting a traditional nuclear family and joining the PTA or becoming a Girl Scout leader? If I had, my life would not be nearly as interesting as it is now. I would not have met some of the fabulous people I call my friends today. I would not be open to meeting new people. I don't even use the label "strangers" because I believe that all people are "strange" in their own ways. Today, I do not identify myself as an "overachieving, alcoholic, crazy, bipolar, lesbian" because those labels place a limit on how I am perceived and on who and what I have the potential to become. I'm still smart and I still love to learn. I am sober, for 8 years now. I have bipolar disorder but I am not my illness. That may seem like simple semantics but it is important for me to realize that my mental illness does not define me. Nor does my IQ, my alcoholism, or my sexuality. I refuse to continue to apologize for who I am. I am coming to know God in my own ways. I may not attend church regularly, but I have developed a very spiritual connection with God and pray and meditate daily. I keep a list of things I am grateful for. I volunteer my time to help others in need. I extend the hand of friendship to those who cross my path, no matter what labels they are carrying with them. And most importantly, I am MYSELF! And I kinda like ME today, labels and all.