So, here I am. Sitting in front of the computer at 2:59 a.m. I say that so you will know when I actually wrote this entry because blog spot never publishes an accurate time. Maybe it's the time zone setting? I don't know. And I do not care to know.
It's been several weeks since my last posting. Since I had already written about my recent struggles with depression, I thought I'd wait until I was feeling peppy again. Well, I'm still waiting for that peppiness to return and I figure that if I sit around waiting to feel better before writing something new, I may never write again.
Those closest to me know that the past 12 months have been very difficult for me, especially with regards to my physical well-being. I've been to the ER 13 times, had a 4 day medical stay, a hysterectomy, gallbladder removed, hand surgery to repair a damaged blood vessel and remove a clot, and an ankle fusion and tibial bone graft. I have had x-rays, CT scans (with and without IV contrast dye), MRI's, ultrasounds, upper GI scopes, a colonoscopy, a biopsy...yeah, I think that covers most of it. And lots and lots of blood work. I don't know how they expect my blood count to stay where it is supposed to be when they keep taking tube after tube after tube of blood. After each "situation" seems to be resolved and I feel like I'm getting back up on my feet, I get leveled by another earthquake, followed by sometimes more severe aftershocks. Each time, I have crawled out of the rubble, brushed myself off, and started moving forward again. But life keeps throwing punches my way. I have also dealt with some significant family relationship stress, attended the funeral of a friend's 21 year old son, and been notified that my prescription drug benefits are being cut effective November 1. And that is what has happened in the last 10 days. I started the appeal process for my health benefits and my appeal was denied. I spent 3 hours yesterday morning at the Social Security office and the Medicaid office. I then spent 1 1/2 more hours on the phone in the afternoon trying to get answers. Well, no one has them. I don't know how many times my calls were transferred. Each person said the issue was not with their agency or department and when I called who they told me to call, I got the same answer. I have had to fight for my benefits for 2010 and 2011. Each time, it took approximately 5 months to resolve the issue and constant phone calls and trips to meet with someone, anyone, in person. Well, I do not have the energy to go through that process again. Not right now. I am physically exhausted. I am mentally exhausted. I am emotionally exhausted. And I do not feel God's hands holding my heart.
Some of my medical issues are greatly exasperated by stress. I have medications to treat the symptoms but the problem will not be resolved until my stress level is under control. I have been praying, reading daily devotionals and meditations, and praying, and talking to friends, and praying, and going for walks, and praying, and taking bubble baths, and praying, and petting my kitties, and praying, and watching funny movies, and praying, and making a list of what I am grateful for and listing my blessings each day, and praying.....and I am barely hanging on. I have forgotten when the last night I got some sleep was. I haven't been able to keep food down again since Tuesday evening. I lost track of the days and so my bills got paid late for the first time in a year. I don't even remember when I last fed my cats. They were meowing rather loudly so I ventured into the kitchen to find their food bowl empty and water bowls dry. I feed them twice a day. And as I stood there, I could not recall if I had fed them that morning or if they have been without for a day or more. I'm putting part of that on them however (perhaps as a way of trying to alleviate guilt) because their food bag is sitting on the kitchen floor, open, and they haven't helped themselves. Every other cat I've ever had has always gotten into the food or chewed holes in the bag if it's been left out, even if their bowls were full. So I'm trying to decide if my cats are stupid or lazy. Either way, it doesn't matter. I'm not being a very good kitty momma.
I know that I can count on my friends for support and guidance. But at least for me, right now, I am not comforted by their words. Acceptance. Letting go. Doing the next right thing. Pray more. This too shall pass. And God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I do know that what I'm going through won't last forever. Nothing does. I know that there are many others facing some of these same struggles and then some. I'm not proclaiming that I have the worst life out of anyone on the planet. And I don't expect life to be rainbows and butterflies all of the time. But knowing that doesn't take the heartache away. A little bit ago I was sitting out on the patio looking up at the stars. Tonight, the sky is clear. I must not be looking far enough or hard enough because I still can't see God. And I don't feel him. And I am afraid. This is more than I can handle. There is no more "oomph" inside me. Since I'm not able to move forward, I'm just trying to hang on tight enough that I don't fall behind.
And I keep praying, even if I don't think God can hear me.